After Success—When it’s Not All Rainbows and Unicorns
Jennifer Devolites, Ascent Abort-2 (AA-2) Crew Module and Separation Ring (CSR) project manager and Flight Test Article test conductor, shares her firsthand experience dealing with post-success depression after the successful AA-2 test. As those of us here at NASA’s Johnson Space Center embark on the next chapter of amazing feats in human space exploration, it’s important to remember how to stay happy and motivated in our work, even after the latest celebratory milestone is over and we are concentrated on the next.
July 2, 6:55 a.m.: It’s five minutes to launch. “Operator, arm pyros.” “Operator, arm LAS [Launch Abort System] jettison and abort motor.” “All pyros are armed.” Five minutes to go, and I’m trying to keep my voice steady as we approach launch time, T-00:00. It’s just a training run, I tell myself, and I’ve had hundreds of those. We’ve got this. If anything goes wrong, we’ll call it. We’ve had dozens of “green cards” (fake failures during training runs) thrown at us, and we have thought it through. We have procedures, and we’ve had practice dealing with the unexpected. “Rely on your training,” Jon would say. (Jon Olansen is our test director for launch, and was the AA-2 CSR project manager until I took over for him last December, when he moved on to work on the Gateway program.) But he’s back for launch, serving in a critical role. With his detailed knowledge of both CSR and the operations team, there’s nobody else who could have filled these shoes.
A handful of us on the flight control team have been trying to “sleep shift”—we started several days ago, getting up and meeting in the hotel lobby to play games at increasingly ridiculously early times. Yesterday, about 20 of us met up at 4 a.m. at Waffle House for breakfast. We arrived on console today by 12:30 a.m., and the last few hours have been unexpectedly quiet—issue free. Most of us have struggled to stay awake, despite the thrill of the upcoming rocket launch. We aren’t allowed coffee or any drinks on console, so Max Haddock (our anomaly resolution lead, and my backup test conductor) and I take turns leaving console to take a sip of coffee and try to keep the blood flowing during quiet periods.
Now I can hear Karl Seelandt, the booster’s launch conductor, on the countdown: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 … and I see the booster engine ignite. She’s off! Ascent is beautiful—it’s hard to take my eyes off the video screen with that solid rocket motor burning so brightly. There’s no turning back, and there’s no ground commanding, so there is literally nothing we can do but watch. I hear Mark Tedesco, our Guidance, Navigation and Control subsystem lead and primary flight controller, call “Mach 1 … Mach 1.1 …” and my heart goes several beats too many, wondering if abort is going to execute properly. I hear “abort initiated,” and I see beautiful new rocket plumes on the video as the abort motor and attitude control motors light, and the crew module veers away from the booster at over seven Gs.
At 216 seconds from T-0, we have loss of data, and I call “Test complete.” We did it!! Three years and 10 months since I started the project, and almost a decade since the prior abort test for Orion, Pad Abort 1, it’s over—and all signs point to total success.
Later that day—after some naps—there’s a big party. Lots of celebrating! Everyone is so excited! Congratulations! It was amazing! So many people came out to the Cocoa Beach and Port Canaveral area to watch the launch, and I’m so proud that I got to be part of it. I’ve been an engineer at NASA since I started as a co-op in 1991, and it feels like it just doesn’t get any better than this: I had the privilege to help Jon lead this phenomenal team and serve as a test conductor on launch day, leading the crew module and LAS flight controllers for this one-time, dynamic event.
Fast forward to July 28, 2019. It’s been almost four weeks since launch. I’ve taken many days and half-days off since then; I have a lot of unused and extra leave from all of the travel, long days and late nights leading up to July 2.
I’m bummed.
Why am I bummed?! I feel like I should just be excited, and grateful, and joyful at the successful outcome of our hard work. Everyone asks me, “Are you still so excited?”
I am all of those things … and also, really bummed.
I expressed this to Jon, half-jokingly: This feels like post-partum depression. As if I had the baby, and everyone came and cooed over the baby and has seen all the pictures, and now the excitement is over.
As I checked in with some of my teammates, I discovered that I wasn’t alone. There were many team members feeling the same way, as if something important was gone. When I visited our booster team for a post-flight awards event, I was surprised to find that many of those folks were experiencing the same thing.
I started researching online, and I discovered something that I wish I had known sooner so that I could have been prepared, and could have coached my team on what to expect after launch—that it is common to experience post-success depression.
This apparently happens for so many people who reach a big achievement, and then wonder if they will ever be able to top it, or even equal it. People you might think would just be happy at their success: astronauts, lawyers winning a big case, movie actors who finish filming a movie, authors who make the bestseller’s list, millionaires who hook a big deal. What’s not to be happy about?
Except … in so many cases, there’s a depression that comes after a big success, and I wanted to understand why.
Here is what I learned:
Our identities get tied up in what we do, even though that isn’t who we are. Face it—we all define ourselves in some way by our circumstances. Who are you? An engineer, a dad, a girlfriend, an astronaut, a boss, a task lead, a performer, a test conductor … Whatever it is that we do, it becomes how we see ourselves. Take one of those identities away, and we’re left with an identity crisis! We need to remember that this is not who we are; it is just a role by which we define ourselves. We are so much more.
Adrenaline rush: In “Staying Motivated After a Big Achievement,” the author points out that “it’s because of the emotional letdown of going from an exciting, challenging or pressure-filled situation to one that’s considerably less demanding. High-stress situations and the adrenaline rush they produce can be addictive. When the constant sense of urgency we’ve adapted to comes to an abrupt halt, we experience withdrawal. In many cases, reverting back to a predictable routine also means the work is no longer as stimulating. To be fully engaged, we need to experience an ongoing sense of growth on the job. At no point is the gap between rapid learning and intolerable stagnation more prominent than after a period of intense professional development.”
Dopamine: In the article “Why You Might Feel Empty After Reaching a Huge Goal (and How to Move On),” the author explains that: “Neuroscience says that the brain releases dopamine, a hormone associated with both motivation and happiness, in anticipation of reward. So when you plan and know you’re going to work for something, you’re in a biological position to feel good. Each milestone gives you another dopamine hit, which makes you want to keep going with the job. But when you reach your goal, that release of dopamine drops. It’s harder for you biochemically to have joy.”
Friendships: We form close relationships with our team members during the trial by fire. As we build our own character through hardships, failures and overcoming challenges, we learn to depend upon each other. It’s a shared experience that outsiders can’t understand. We spend far more hours of the day with these teammates and friends than we do with our own families. When it’s over, the loss is real.
Whatever new thing we do following a huge success has the potential to feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar, and change can be hard. But, as Frank Herbert said in “Dune,” “Without change, something sleeps inside us and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.” Change is critical to growth!
What do you do if you are feeling post-success blues?
1. Know that this is a normal psychological response because of the way our brains work! The rush leading up to a big milestone is, in fact, addictive. We go through withdrawal, even if we are simultaneously relieved to no longer be in such a high-stress state. :)
2. Be grateful for the experience and take stock of your success in specific terms. What do you feel best about? What did you learn? What would you change? Is there someone you can actively mentor and pass along your experience and knowledge gained from this success?
3. For your next tasks, think about what growth areas you want to focus on. What are the gaps in your work profile—areas in which you want to learn/improve/challenge yourself? What can you do to get outside of your comfort zone?
4. In the article “The Fascinating Reason Many Billionaires Get Depressed (and How They Snap Out of it),” the author explains that those who have achieved big “don't have to do something bigger or better to be happy. They just have to keep moving.” In the absence of the “next big thing,” what are some small goals you can set for yourself, either personal or professional? (Run a 5K? Grow in a hobby or skill you’ve been wanting to try? Work out every day?) Achieving small goals can provide some of the same impact on you as big achievements.
5. Make the most of every day!
It’s November, and the post-success blues are, for me, a thing of the past. I am so grateful for the amazing opportunity that I had to work on such a great project, and with great people. I get tears when I watch the AA-2 flight video, along with a huge grin—and I’m ready for the next win: big or small.
